On Tough Decisions and Dealing with Infertility

This is a tough post for me to write because writing it down makes it like... REAL. Which is scary.

I have advanced complex endometrial hyperplasia and endometrial atypia. These are big fancy words for precancerous cells in my uterus. Most women that are diagnosed with this are older, usually premenopausal. And of those women, about 80% of them choose to have their uterus removed to stop it from becoming cancer. I've had a hormone imbalance for a long time and the lack of progesterone and over abundance of estrogen caused this over many years. My doctor explained all this to me, followed by "While a hysterectomy is the most common treatment, there are others. You are a young woman and probably did not see this coming or expect to be facing the loss of your fertility, this is not lost on me."

So, we came up with a plan to deal with this. In approximately 2 weeks, I'll have an IUD (intrauterine device) placed inside my uterus which will place concentrated levels of progesterone right into my uterus. Eventually, I'll stop bleeding altogether. While this is inside me, I will not be able to get pregnant.

Now for the emotional part. Excuse me if I sound cliche. I have always wanted to be a mother. Not just in the stereotypical "all little girls want to have a baby" way, no, I've always wanted kids of my own. I've been working in children's ministry and church for twelve years and I've been an aunt to 3 amazing kids. Long before my first niece came around, I wanted a baby. I wanted a child when I was 17. And I always thought I'd be the first of my parents children to have kids.
And then I was 24 and married and I was so ready, but my husband convinced me to wait a year. Well that year passed quickly between my father getting sick and my new little nephew being born. We started trying the beginning of this year. After 5 months of trying casually, I starting tracking my basal body temperature and taking ovulation tests. All to no avail.

And then yesterday I found out that I wasn't ovulating, I was just bleeding incessantly.

After the news I received yesterday, while a better outcome than cancer, I still have to face the prospect of never having biological children. And that's a pain I never expected to feel.

So after a lot of thinking, I'm pretty sure I've figure out what I'm going to do.
I'm going to do this clinical trial. I'm going to use the IUD. I want to do that for a little while and hopefully go through fertility treatment to be able to do egg extraction. I would conceivably like that have 10-20 eggs extracted and frozen. I will save these for a time when we can afford surrogacy. In the meantime, once we get our house, I'm going to sign up with as many adoption agencies as possible. We will likely adopt before any bio babies come along. I don't want to wait any longer and I've always wanted to adopt so maybe this is God's plan.

Once I've had several eggs extracted, I will proceed with a preventative hysterectomy. I will be menopausal by the time I am 30.

I feel good with this decision but at the same time, I still feel sad at the idea of possibly never holding my biological child in my arms. It feels horrible that the idea of my perfect little blonde daughter that I've always imagined now feels like smoke, completely intangible and with every passing minute, she fades a little more. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. And now everywhere I go, I see all these pregnant women and I feel so angry and jealous and sad.

It hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't know how else to word it other than that. It hurts.